From the mixed up files of J. Gordon

One of the more amusing forwards my grandpop has sent me. I refuse to be part of the forwarding culture, but I will post it here, becuase it is pretty funny.

Some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(and you thought?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(I'm taking this because?)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Is my grandpop not adorable?

P.S. Red hair pictures to come.

Coffee Room Concoctions

My coffee addiction steadily growing to an even 4-5 cups a day, many of them consumed while at work, I have tried a good number of the different coffee options available to me at the office. We use a Keurig One Cup Coffee machine, though nothing as state of the art looking as the one featured on the website. Ours must be something out of the Keurig dark ages, but it's not the coffee maker I take offense too. It's the depressing quality of the grounds, which come in a "K-cup", that we store in the office for who knows how long. I'm sorry, but the grounds I have at home are not as good as fresh ground, but the ones at work are a far far cry from being even recently ground.

So I've turned to creativity. Because whenever you think of brilliance in the all things culinary, you think of Caitlin, obvi. No really, I'm quite proud of myself. Having decided that the best variety of K-cup (is anyone else offended just by the name?) is the "Mocha Java", I set off to the coffee room to find out what sort of communal food there could possibly spice it up. Quickly vetoing all artificial sweeteners (let's give a decisive boo to after-tastes), and tired of the stale "sugar and dry creamer" routine, I decided to dig around for something a bit more unique. Every now and then cheese shows up on the counter, but even I am not crazy enough about cheese to add it to coffee. I was eventually victorious with the only other semi-communal food in the office: hot chocolate packs! The kind with the mini-marshmallows. It adds a creamy/sweet taste for me so I don't need to go for the wretched powdered creamer, and covers the stale taste of the coffee with it's rich chocolatey goodness. And I don't even know how to cook... My confidence may be boosted enough to emerge from the world of canned goods and actually try to cook meat!

I'd been looking for an excuse to post an image using the handy auto-button. A new reading of Wonkette provided this

The job that ate me

I've been meaning to post about my new job for a while, but keep wanting to put it all in one post and not having enough time. Which is for the best because, really, my new job kind of hates me, and there's no need to put all of that negative energy into the world in one melodramatic post, there just isn't. I will, however, give an example of an average day: today. My boss, otherwise known as Ms. Mood Swing (sometimes she loves me, sometimes she hates me, and it's more often the latter), gave me an 8.5"x11" poster to make copies of - colored paper, no white. For an old office bitch work pro like me, this should be no problem. We're talking about the girl that collects pens after all, making a simple xerox is like my calling. There was the slight stumbling block of not knowing where the colored paper was, but not wanting to upset anyone, I just milled around the copy room until I finally found it, way higher than I could reach, but I made do. This simple copy job, however, took me 40 minutes, because, as it turns out, the copy machine at our office really hates colored paper. This would not have been a huge deal had I not left it until the last 10 minutes of my shift, thinking this would be more than enough time for an office-quality copy machine. Which means that I got out 30 minutes late. Realizing that I surely did not have enough time to complete the ILaw homework I left for the hour in between work and class now, I decided to complain on my blog instead. Wow, am I really this whiney?

To top off the fact that even the machines at the office dislike me, the woman who acted annoyed with me on my first day for drinking the office coffee (like you have to last a few weeks or something to be worthy), seemed quite pissed that I was standing near the paper towels she wanted in the bathroom while trying to fix the earring that got embedded in my ear. I know, I am such an inconvenience, I cannot even stand myself. And yes, my bad karma and lack of skill are such that I actually managed to embed my earring in my ear. I think it's time to anoint a new Captain Awkward.

Now I know where I come from...

The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. After two months of wondering if I was the only one in the world wishing for cold, I woke up this morning to the sounds of rejoicing from the next room, where my mother and two of my sisters were checking the weather online. "It's 55! It's 55! It's finally cool!" The four of us then giggled about how great it was that it was finally going to be fall and ran to our rooms to put on long sleeves and sweaters. Perhaps a little over-ambitious for 55, but we were excited.

Apparently the apples can roll pretty far from each other though. As I examined which brown shoes to pair with my light pink J.Crew pants and brown turtleneck, sister Ally excitedly ran by the bathroom, shouting, "Look at my awesome pink Ugs!" Hmmmm... at least we both like the same temperatures.

Elevator NDE

My unexpected houseguest, Ashley, and I took an unexpected lunch trip to the Tombs on Wednesday, and on our way back, we took the elevator, not the stairs. Now, I know it seems a bit overdramatic to label an elevator trip as a Near Death Experience, but I have a flare for that sort of thing. The Nevils elevator is not known for its lack of shadiness, but with each lurch and successful emergence at the correct floor, I somehow gained confidence in it. All until that fateful, post-Tombs trip. This was no slight lurch, but a full on shuddering tremor. Twice. Each time, a glance up showed the lights threatening to drop. The elevator staggered and then stuck, staggered some more and then came to a final wavering and precarious halt, obviously stuck on something that either kept it from moving to our desired floor or kept it from slipping downward fearfully. Obviously, I’m as big a fan of the stuck-in-an-elevator experience as the next person, and my abilities to stay rational in various mildly exciting to even averagely frightening true life situations are impressive, if I do say so. But whether it be from irrationality or frightening truth, I actually felt there was a chance, perhaps small, that the elevator just might not hold. Hence, the labeling of “Near Death Experience”. The repair man couldn’t open the doors because they were stuck, so we got one last final lurch as he messed with controls before it slipped into place and the doors opened. Fabulous. I’m totally up on the whole, trapped in an elevator situation, I mean, what a story, but I think I’ll stay clear of this one for a little while.

My triumphant return to blogging

I have considered shirking my academic responsibilities and returning to blogging for some time now. The problem wasn’t an issue of subject matter. Should my first blog back be an account of the young man asleep under my kitchen table one morning this summer, his computer screen covered in porn? Or what about a posting of the nomination Amy and I wrote for Dominic’s stint as Mr. Georgetown – he will win.

No, no, it wasn’t a lack of semi-interesting things that I could occupy a post or two with. It was a lack of procrastination-able things! This summer, my need for money and my desire to have a nightlife took me away from the blog. I started school and senior year was far too exciting for such things as mundane internet updates of my life.

But now, now everything has changed. Midterms have begun. This week I had two exams, one quiz, and a five-page paper. And a four night unexpected house guest. NOW was the time for blogging to begin again. So look forward to a return to my procrastination-central, caffeine diary. First to come: Elevator NDE